jokes on they way

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.
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Comments

  • edited January 2010
    A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
  • A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and sees Steven Spielberg. As he is a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here.” The astonished Chinese man replies, “But it was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese!” “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replies Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.” Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same!”
  • I had a bunch of Canadian dollars laying around, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank to change them out.

    It was a short line, just one lady in front of me; An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was getting a little irritated.

    She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.

    The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”
  • Baptizing A Drunk
    A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
    preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
    bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by
    the smell of booze.. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find
    Jesus?'
    'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the
    river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
    dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him
    out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
    The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.' By this time the
    preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but
    this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
    When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
    The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found
    Jesus?'
    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
    'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
  • I got a good one here.....
    English is a difficult language......for some!
    This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

    Last year, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama....

    The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hadn with President Obama, please say "how r u". Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you". It looks quite simple, but the truth is....

    When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said 'who ru u?'(Instead of 'how r u?)

    Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor; "Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha.."

    Then Mori replied "me too, ha ha..."

    Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
  • That's funny, gladly he didn't introduce his wife. Obama might take it he brought his mistress.

    How many translators he has?
  • This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening with customer service being what it is today.

    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

    Here is the exchange :

    Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

    Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

    Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

    Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

    Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

    Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

    Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

    Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

    Supervisor gets on the phone:

    Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

    Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

    Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

    Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

    Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

    Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

    After they get the fax :

    Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

    Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

    Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

    (What is wrong with these people?!?)

    Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

    Citibank: 'That might help...'

    Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

    Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

    Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet
  • not bad at all, sad, yet funny
  • Here's one too,


    A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and sees Steven Spielberg. As he is a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here.” The astonished Chinese man replies, “But it was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese!” “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replies Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.” Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same!”
  • That's really funny, that Chinese gave Spellberg a Rabbit Punch Out some of his own medicines.
  • LOL!!! Its funny cuz sumbody had posted that earlier.... Check it out!!!
  • The best response to a Dear John letter:

    A grunt serving his combat tour in Northern Iraq, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
    He went out and collected from his battle buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
  • DICTIONARY MEANING FOR THE ARMY TERM HOOAH:

    hooah (hoo ah) adj., adv., n., v., conj., interj., excla. (Orig. unknown) Slang. 1. Referring to or meaning anything and everything except "no". 2. What to say when at a loss for words. 3.a. Good copy. b. Roger. c. Solid copy. d. Good. e. Great. f. Message received. g. Understood. h. Acknowledged. i.standing by 4.a. Glad to meet you. b. Welcome. 5. "All right!" 6.a. I don't know the answer, but I'll check on it. b. I have no fuckin idea. 7. I am not listening. 8. "That is enough of your shit; sit down!" 9. Yes. 10. "You've got to be shitting me!" 11. Thank you. 12. Go to the next slide. 13. You've taken the correct action. 14. I don't know what that means, but I'm too embarassed to ask for clarification. 15. Squared away (He's pretty hooah.) 16. Amen!

    hooah? hooah!
  • The CO and TOP were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
    The CO said, "I see millions of stars."

    1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

    CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

    1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that some asshole stole our tent."
  • A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

    She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

    Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.


    She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

    Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.



    Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

    I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

    PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'



    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....


    'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'
  • When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

    A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

    After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

    Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
  • One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

    He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

    "Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."
  • hahahah! Those are really funny :)
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  • edited February 2010
    haha really good ones^^
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  • the last two jokes are funny. hahaha, but why indian?
  • cuz,i m half indian.....
  • island joke, may be real or fiction? nobody knows

    my friends and i were talking about robbery in our towns. not to mention the name of the area, one of my friends said that in his village, they were so good that he left his keys in the car one night and come back a few hours later to find that his gas tank empty. another said that was nothing compared to his village, he said that while his mom was hanging their clothes, when she would reach for the next piece she'd find that the one she already put up was gone. but another friend said, that's nothing, in my village, i had just bought my girl an expensive perfume, she sprayed it on and went for a walk and this girl pumped into her and when she reached my house she noticed her perfume was gone, the girl had taken the scent away.
  • SOME OF OUR COMPANY POLICIES YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE CONSIDERING YOUR EMPLOYMENT WITH US.

    1) PERSONAL ILLNESS: No excuse ... We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    2) FUNERAL (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral is held late in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided your work is caught up for the entire day.

    3) LEAVE OF ABSENCE (FOR AN OPERATION): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you may need an operation, as we believe as long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would make you less than we bargained for.

    4) PREGNANCY: In the event of an extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid station when the pains are five minutes apart. If it is a false labor, you will be docked one hour’s pay.

    5) DEATH (YOUR OWN): This will be accepted as an excuse, but we will require at least two weeks’ notice as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

    6) COFFEE BREAKS: You will be allowed free coffee breaks 15 minutes prior to your leaving your home and 15 minutes after arrival at your home. All other coffee breaks you decide to take will be docked from your pay.

    7) RESTROOM BREAKS: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with an “A” will go from 9-9:15 a.m.; “B” will go from 9:15-9:30 a.m. and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the day your turn comes around again.

    8) RESIGNATIONS: Under no circumstances will we accept your resignation, whether written or oral. If you should desire to resign your position, notify us at least two weeks in advance, and you will be fired immediately.

    RULES 2, 5, and 7 ABOVE APPLY TO “DIVINE RULE #1” “WHEN YOU GOTTA GO ... YOU GOTTA GO
  • "I think my wife is unfaithful," a man said to his friend. "I asked where she was last nite and she said she spent the nite with her sister." His friend asked,"Why do you think shes unfaithful?" The man replied"Because I spent the nite with her sister."
  • What's wrong with using capital letters during internet chat?
    There is a difference between saying "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"

    imageimage
  • two blunds were fired at an m&m store... someone asked them... why were you guys fired? they replied... "because we threw all the Ws out:-)
  • Not as bad when one says to another to avoid a situation, "All you have to do is be Black and Die".
  • LOl@ 119 mph. Good one.
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